I find myself experiencing these emotions at times, but not in the way one might expect. I feel lonely in a crowd. I feel lonely in a church. I feel lonely on the streets. I feel lonely at a poetry reading. I feel lonely in a crowded bar. I don’t feel connected to the world these days. I feel lost. I feel as though I am being pushed to lose my identity, my sense of self. I feel as though I will feel this way now for the rest of my life, because others want to see me not the way I really am, not as I truly exist inside this shell God made for me.
If I were to run a personal ad to find a person to spend time with it would read as follows:
Must be into acting, photography/ film making, horses, dogs, scooters, hiking, tree hugging, saving the ocean, dolphins and whales, vegan or vegetarian (maybe gluten free), and also be able to deal with my music which consists of a great deal of British Alternative, Bowie, Beautiful South, Depeche Mode, and well see my Pandora. Must be OK with going to the occasional Shakespeare Play. Must not be into American Football and should have an interest in Eastern philosophy if not religion and want world peace. An understanding of Chinese Buddhism is great, and an understanding that there may be some higher power. Going to church on Sunday not required. An interest in the Martial Arts, Basketball or Soccer would be interesting too. No couch potatoes or lovers of fast food need apply.
It is not good to make someone be who they are not. I find it interesting because I keep kicking people out of my life who keep implying that I need to wake up to who I am. But I have!! I am not capable of succeeding as a lawyer or economist or government employee. I would not be driven to get a higher pay or even impress my boss and move up the ladder of success in a law firm. I have never expressed a desire to be a Partner in a law firm. IN fact in law school the other students would watch and butcher “The Practice” and I would watch it alone so I could enjoy the stories and acting in it.
I have not been striving to get a higher degree, but a certificate so I would move into an entirely different field. I could make about $200 a day as an editor. Considering how un-driven I am to be a lawyer, I would be lucky to make 40,000 a year in that occupation, and I would not be happy doing it. I would feel completely alone. I know I felt alone in law school. I went through knee surgery and few people even seemed to care.
I was moving in the right direction for myself. The people to me who keep attacking me and telling me to use a degree that I can’t use traditionally, are the ones not living in reality, the true definition of being psychotic. I can barely function now. I loved my simple life here in California. I don’t need a job with a retirement package and health benefits to be happy. I have finally met people I could be friends with for life. That is something hard for me to find. I have that. I may not seem to have anyone, but I do. They email me. They post things telling me not to quit. We communicate. We do not scream or yell or fight. There is a level of trust and understanding. Granted I am still traumatized. I had a hard time trusting some of them.
I have had years of being the kid who never got into trouble and was trust worthy, only to be abused by parents who don’t trust anyone. I do not do drugs. I do not want to get into trouble with the law. I am terrified of the police I think now and lawyers. People who think that I am somehow committing a crime for not looking for a job with lawyers when I don’t like them and can’t work with them. I do like to work alone, but I can work with others. But there must be communication. And I am into film and actors and I like to work in that world. I need human contact with people who understand and get what I love about life. That is what we are all supposed to strive for. You find people who have things in common with you. My entire life has been about acting, art and the first amendment. I am a bit of a feminist. I love to cook but insist if a guy is involved he does his fair share. I can do accents and have a bit of a photo graphic memory. I have in fact all the basic skills to be a really good actress and a photographer and film maker.
I have been placed in a position where I have not lied about anything I have done or achieved or the things that have happened to me, and yet there are those who keep hurting me by saying I need help. Help for what? To believe a lie as the truth? To be convinced I can become a cut throat lawyer? To be convinced I hate film acting and being on sets when I love it? To be convinced I did not actually work on film sets full time for 5 years and made a living at it, enough to say I paid my own rent, food, clothing and car insurance.? To be convinced I would have been better off not fighting for my life? To be convinced I like American football and the NRA? I have not eaten red meat since I was 16. If I do try to eat it I get sick. I can not be who you think I am or want me to be. I can only be WHO I AM!!
YES I AM AN ACTRESS. I have a capacity to understand the human condition enough to place myself into someone else’s shoes and pretend to be someone else so that you think I have become that person. It is one thing to have a job pretending to be someone else to entertain or educate. It is another to be forced to go against who you are to survive for the rest of your life and to pretend you are OK with that and that you are alright. It is one thing to find people you really trust and really connect with, and another to connect with people who are just using you and really don’t care, or worse, pretending to connect and understand them for real to get a job and a career to make the money to pay the bills. If I am driven away from the path I have fought to be on for most of my life, I am not walking toward normalcy or sanity, but to a path of lies, self loathing and misery. If you cut me off and prevent me from acting and making friends in that profession, you put me in a position where inside I will feel isolated, and alone for the rest of my life. As a social animal, you will be suppressing my abilities to thrive and create. What will that achieve?