In The Moment- FILM

Feb 082014
 

I figure since my life is short I might as well reveal my work to the world.  I don’t know if I will ever finish this.  I went to an event at the CELBRITY center to support a friend.  He is just a friend.  He wrote an  article about me in the examiner on my fight with breast cancer.  So I went to the event and had my picture taken on the red carpet pointing at his company logo- weird review.  The next day I realized that THe ACTOR’s CENTER had blocked me on my twitter.  They were letting me perform.  Frankly I think the last time I was there I was not good.   One of the actors from PARENTHOOD which stars SAM JEAGER is a part of their group.  I was kind of suspect as to who or why I ended up being invited.  I went to an event at the SAG FOUNDATION with one of the directors of the center as a host and saw several people who worked background with me on ELI STONE.  One of whom could not look at me.  I was kind of put out a bit and not sure how to react.  The man who checked me in, african AMERICan looked at me like he wanted to smack me.  It is enough we have soldiers dying in the middle east for our freedom, and yet I think we are still the only country that has killed more of its own.  At one time statistically the CIVIL WAR had more war victims and more US victims than any war in the history of the world.

ANYWAYS, I started working on this about two years before 50/50 was announced coming out.  I was actually hashing through these roughs in the SCRIPT LAB up in north hollywood.  I got upset though when one of the members shot it down for being about an actor.  He said no one would care about an actor getting cancer.  I still remember JEFF OLAN telling me how Christina Applegate had lost her breasts as though her fight was more important than mine and my quest to work on sets was insigificant.  It made me feel like I did not matter and as if I should have just not fought for my life.  I am now mentally ill.  I have panic attacks. I want nothing to do with government types, social workers, or suits.  I want to be back on sets. I want to be in an acting class so I have some hope that I will be working on projects acting again.  I cry all the time.  I bite on the edges of my wallets or books in a state of complete fear.  And if some CONSERVATIVE or republican starts following me on twitter I really get paranoid and have an emotional fit.  I am only hurting myself and i know it.  A year ago I was emotional but not like this.  Having been man handled by the cops I now can’t function. I think about them invading my space like my FATHER coming into my room as a child and telling me he could take anything away from me when ever he wanted because it was his roof.  MY insane parents who tell me they knew I would fail, tell me that they are happy when I get tripped on a set because I have to give up what I love.  I am here to do things for them, not myself. I am here to serve them.  Forget about me having normal relationships where I hang out with someone with things in common with me.

I think of PETER HOFFMAN who just died of heroin.  I was never a real fan of his work.  He did a film with ARNE STARR who was on set when I worked for the last time for CENTRAL and for GRAY”S and he told people who I think were SCIENTOLOGISTS that i had an issue with their religion.  I just wanted to have my own beliefs and to be respected- left alone to be an individual.

 

I think there is a seed of something that might have been good in these pages.  the first 20 pages I quickly wrote in an hour.  I kid you not.  I could not figure out where I wanted to go from there.  I think I reveal to soon the cancer and the dialogue is cheesy.  I also was incredibly MAD with MEN.  I was told I guy I had liked was married.  I accepted that and I was uncertain based on what was said if he had something to do with my blacklisting from sets.  I was shocked for some reason because it seemed OK for me to be talking to PONZIO a CATHOLIC ITALIAN BY THE WAY.  Cynthia YOUNGBLOOD said that to DEMPSEY AND DANE.  NO ONE HAD THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME DATE SOMEONE OF A CERTAIN RELIGION.  I mean what happened to freedom.  Growing up I had a friend whose father was jewish and her step mom was Catholic and she was free to chose.  I also made a list of IDEAS.

I don’t want to be in a prison sell my entire life. I WAS FINE ON SETS.  HOW DARE PEOPLE STOP ME from my goals.  THERE IS NOT JOB OR CAREER I WANT unless is allows me to have an acting career when my life is DONE.  I don’t want salary goals or pay rasises.  I want IMDB CREDITS and work I can see on tape.  However if people THINK I am going to become a producer or SCRIPT WRITER. YOu expect me to write words for actors to perform but AMERICA WON’T LET ME FIGHT TO WORK HARD TO BE ONE TOO. I am not allowed to stand with MY FELLOWS.  HOW DARE YOU!

PEOPLE ASSUMED WITHOUT ASKING THOUGH IN REALITY WAS IT YOUR DAMN BUSINESS TO MEDDLE IN MY LIFE.  Was it your right to make me get a real job, to make me do what my father wanted, to make me be a CONSERVATIVE OR GO TO CHURCH WHEN I GAVE UP THE CHURCH a long time ago.  IT IS MY PARENTS DELUSION that needs serious mental care.  I also know I am messed up now.  I don’t deserve the love of a guy I want but I won’t be with a man I don’t want just to have someone there.  A guy would have to be strong enough and compassionate enough to see my potential and to be patient and communicate with me.

By the way my hard drive crashed.  It cost me a year of photos and also my sound projects from last semester.  It also cost me design projects I was working on and had to put up on line for my zazzle store.  I thought I lost work I had been doing on a video for STAND UP 2 CANCER but I just found it on my hard drive.  If you did this because I think I was sent a VIRUS- you destroyed work I was doing to make the world better.  BUT YOU DID NOT DESTROY THIS SCRIPT.   ANYWAYS IT SUCKS.  But it also reveals my mind set when I wrote it.  I eventually SAW 50/50.  the only part like my story was the doctor’s visit.  I did not copy the film, I really did get told by my doctor I had CARCINOMA and was like WHAT?  THen he said CANCER and I flipped out.  I dreamt of meeting someone who would be my partner in the RIDE.  Someone who I could respect their artistic work and I could respect theres.  It did not matter if we were rich.  I just wanted  someone who I felt safe with to be sensitive, to feel, to cry, to make beautiful art, to be silly with out being called weird for crazy for it. The fact that people hated on me for NO VALID REASON other than a relgion or maybe because I liked some they thought I had no right to like.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT?  Seriously if I liked a person I would still need them to come to me.  I won’t go to them again.  NOt and risk being abused by the UNION, the POLICE, or anyone any more.  UNFORTUNATELY I was blacklisted and could never find it in me to finish this.  I joined AFTRA and was actually at an event that HONORED APPLEGATE.  I wish I had the courage to go talk to her.  I think she  might be someone who might have been able to help shape this into a DRAMEDY Gem.  We both had DUCTAL CARCINOMA.

MY GOAL- to show the truth of a mastectomy like mine.  To comment on women in hollywood and poke fun about the way men see us.  SORRY MEN.  And to show the protrait of a woman who finds her own inner strength to achieve her goals despite the loss.

 

 

 

 

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