Truth and Spirituality

Started originally from my old blogger site called “artreflectstruth” or “Art is Truth.” This was in a way the beginning of my exploration into my spiritual change into Buddhism. I wrote a paper once on Tolstoy’s treatise “Art is Truth.” It has been my firm belief that an actor must know how to truly feel and be real to do the craft. How one gets their is one’s own challenge. The ability to be open to ones own self is the center of it all.

Aug 272016
 

This is the first post of a series, not sure how many. I need to read more. I do. The stress of my life has stopped me. It is not healthy to be in the mind set that if it is not worth money, do not do it. Actually I do not think I want to be stuck in a job where my goal is to just read. I crave action. I crave experience. My mind has been so bruised by attacks on social media and in life I can not enjoy the things that in the past helped me cope and deal.

So I now turn to reading what I have to help me turn this around
I saw a meditation teacher named Geoffrey DeGraff talk in my neighborhood about 2 years ago. I liked his discussion. It was on western romanticism and buddhism. Degraff also known as Thanissaro Bhikkhu is a Master of Forest Buddhism. I became attracted to the idea of finding inner peace in the woods. I had met a guy in a Thai chi class who had spent time in a forest monestery. However this is something else I stopped doing. Hiking. Im finally getting my legs back into it. I am breakable. I also know that being breakable is a beautiful thing. But it is also a target for others to attempt to destroy. To break me is sport.

“Gifts he Left Behind” was originally written in Thai. It is what is left of the teachings of a Master known as Luang Pu or “Venerable Grandfather.” The 116 page books contain a collection of one page stories of lessons from this Master. Reading it makes me aware of my flaws but also that the choice Ive made is right. I may not take the path of a nun/ monk, but I am building a foundation I need to deal with the world around me.

I call myself Zen or Cheng but I like the writing of DeGraff. He apparently has translated the canon from pali to English. I have much of his work as digital but the book “gifts he left behind” I have as an actual book. I want to give it away. I am cleaning house. I am writing this though to remember key passages.

The Four Noble Truths

“The mind sent outside is the origination of suffering.

The result of the mind sent outside is suffering.

The mind seeing the mind is the path.

The result of the mind seeing the mind is the cessation of suffering.”

The four truths are achieved by an eight fold path not really detailed in this book. There are also the five precepts.

Much of this little book is a dicussion of dealing with suffering and the mind. “When you understand your own mind, that, in and of itself, will make you understand everything else.”

I especially like this interesting view on silence. “But when you say you stopped speaking, that simply can’t be. … everyone’s speaking all day and all night long. And especially those who vow not to speak: They talk more than anyone else, simply that they don’t make a sound that others can hear.” Apparently only noble ones can reach stop speaking. Not sure I agree with that.

I turned to buddhism to heal my mind from abuse. But I have learned that I agree with the first buddhas view on classicism. I do not like the chaste system of India or our growing monetary based classicism in America.
The book a few pages later actually talks about different views on things. Luang Pow stated, “People, as long as they’re run-of-the-mill, have their pride and their opinions. As long as they have Pride, it’s hard for them to see in line with one another. When their views aren’t in line with one another, it causes them to keep quarreling and disputing.” A view on any political conversation in the United States. Ok maybe not all.
This Masters response is rather inspiring. “Monks, what ever the wise people of the world say exist, I too say exists. And whatever the wise people of the world say doesn’t exist, I too say that it doesn’t exist. I don’t quarrel with the world; the world quarrels with me.”

I’ll end this blog on a response to their being different ways to do meditation.
“When you start practicing meditation, you can begin with any method at all, because they all lead to the same result. The reason their are so many methods is because people have different tendencies. This is why there have to be different images to focus on or words to repeat — such as ‘buddho’ or ‘arahang’– as means of giving the mind a point around which to gather and settle down as the first step. When the mind has gathered and is still, the meditation word will fall away on its own, and that’s where every method falls into the same track, with the same flavor. In other words, it has discernment as its surpassing state and release as its essence.”
Having practiced with various people I find the above quote true. I do not use any words spoken aloud. I think phrases or numbers or focus on my breathe or just let all of it go.
I kind of disagree with a passage a few pages later. P. 44
“When you go to a lot of centers and study with a lot of teachers, your practice won’t get results, for when you go to a lot of centers, it’s as if you go back to the beginning over and over again. You don’t gain any sure principles in your practice. Sometimes you get uncertain and bewildered. Your mind isn’t solid. Your practice degenerates and doesn’t progress.”

I think I needed to explore to find paths to take right for me. Im also not one to follow one way. I need to explore and find my own answers. I like to read and learn on my own and learn from others. Thus far I have discovered certain forms of Buddhism do not suit me. I am not hindu. But I do feel Buddhism is my religion and legally so.

 Posted by at 4:27 pm
May 082015
 

I went to a discussion at “Against the Stream” with Thanissaro Bhikkhu (Geofferey DeGraff).  I met a guy into Forest Thai Buddhism doing Tai Chi who kind of did rub me the wrong way but I was curious.  I am also a bit of a literature and history buff from my youth, so the idea of a discussion of Western Romanticism versus Eastern Buddhism attracted me.  We were given a document called “Principles of Romantic Religion.”  I am cleaning house today and looking at it I am inspired to write my thoughts. 

I was a bit confused at the event but then realized that the discussion was more what Romanticism is and how it has influenced American thought, and how I think to some extent it has distorted the view of what Buddhism is.  The German Romantics were a bit notorious and their history was laced with adultery and illicit acts that reflected their beliefs. 

Bhikkhu’s final points I find interesting because they lay the argument for why religion in America is not the source of rule of law.  It also lays the foundation for an understanding of Buddhist rational that healthy outlook of humans being one humanity would lead to behavior of all being one of compassion and love. I am finding dealing with HATERS and with people who don’t want to accept I am taking this path from my own heart as going against this teaching. I may not appear to be compassionate or loving because I am trying to protect myself when I am sick and in pain.  Unfortunately jealousy and abuse seem to be too prevalent and accepting in society.  Men taking a NO as personal or elitism in health and wellness being abusive to anyone who is not PERFECT. 

Bhikkhu makes the point that the mind is organic and needs to express but is limited by it’s own cultural experience, personality, and feelings.  Religion is not reality.  And it’s effect is personal to the individual.  It is interesting that to him Religion does not need “rules of behavior.”  IT makes sense to me now having read the book “Selves & Not-selves.”  The UNITY of the Universe has a prevalent sense of right and wrong.  Lying and stealing for example are bad behavior all over the world.  He also writes that some religious expressions are more evolved than others and that religions needs to be examined from a historical perspective.  His final point is that “Religious change not only a fact.  It is also a duty – religious traditions need to change to keep up with the world.” 

I look around and think that much conflict in the world today is one generation not willing to accept that the next generation is trying to change religious views to make the world a better place and one more of tolerance and peace.  In the fear of this change, many are trying to pull religion backwards instead of going forward.  Of course for me, i hated religion growing up.  I felt it was choking and ignorant and oppressive.  For the past few years it is as if the people in California have completely lost perspective and are judging me based on lies and on what others have said instead of asking me for TRUTH.  I left the Protestant church the moment I moved out of my parents house at 18.  I only went out of holiday obligation.  I rarely went home to both avoid abuse and to avoid having to go to church. 

I realize the lack of education for some on the west coast is causing people here to judge me and others by what TV and Film has taught instead of being aware that a person is more than the surface.  Calling someone crazy for wanting to achieve things they don’t see as possible is negative without knowing  my experience and not being a positive rational loving person.  I am not putting down the west coast. I love it here. there is much potential.  But when people in their 20s don’t know “the Tale of Two Cities” (think Les Miserables but from Charles Dickens and not a musical) or the rules of operation for math. there is something wrong. 

I digress.  And my comments may not be seen as acts of love, but they are.  Focus more on yourself, and stop wasting time trying to impact someone else and life is much easier.  Sanity will return.  In other words, I am not going to change no matter what you think of me, because your view is not who I am. 

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 Posted by at 9:35 pm
Jan 292015
 

Well today I did yoga for the first time in a week.  My illness makes me rather despondent.  It is hard for me to feel strong enough to go anywhere and I keep thinking I can’t waste money.  I only go to the west side if there is something I think will help my mind or my body or help me financially.  I keep getting invited to the Venice Chamber of Commerce.  I don’t think I like Hollywood anymore. I don’t know what to do though because I feel like I am at WAR with the people claiming to be about peace.  Why?  Because I am white and was born to a father who is Southern and therefore I am his property.  I am guilty of his sins. I am an offspring of evil.  I think that is funny since you can turn that around onto any race on the planet.  Somewhere someone thinks the same thing about a Chinese woman, a black woman, a Native American, or an INDIAN.  I also don’t like living or working downtown.  Seriously if I wanted to live in urban America in a suit in an office I would have stayed on the East coast.  I love the art. I love the Bohemian culture in part of DTLA.  But I can’t stand the idea of being trapped in concrete. I can’t.

And what really upsets me too is the YOGA community is the one I need to be in because of my illness, but even with them I feel the sting of money power politics.  An actor who is a teacher can have an ego and feed it with acting jobs, or maybe it is the “I need to work to get the health benefits” at a time when Obama care is supposed to be helping the nation.  I am labeled as not nice, when I am scared and feel like everything I dreamed about is dead.  There are no dreams of me because I don’t dream about a GOD or HEAVEN or marriage or material things.  I dream of stories and I dream of being in them.  My dreams have always been, the ones I remember, me playing someone who was not me.  I think it was all the literature I read as a child.

I love books I do. But I don’t want to read books to make a living.  Making it be a job takes all the enjoyment out of it.  I trained at one point to know how to do coverage for scripts.  I am tired though. I am tired of people playing god with my life.  I got emails after emails from some young 20 year old script supervisor girl who wanted me to train to be one.  Do you know Hashimoto’s disease causes brain fog. I’d have to be able to eat the right foods periodically- nothing processed- while working on a set.  I can’t do it.  I can’t be a script supervisor. I can memorize lines, but get real. I have a photo memory but I confuse my left and right all the time; let alone having to remember what hand an actor had something in.  I worked hard on set to make sure I did not mess continuity,  Being responsible for other’s actions would be aggravating, stressful, and I would not last.  I know myself what I am capable of and others are just NOT LISTENING. 

I think it is shameful.  Liberals are talking about equality.  The same groups are reporting about rape and violence against women, and yet I have been assaulted, had my toe smashed at a theater, show up to a set to be told I am on a list by Disney after five years of working on every studio lot in town.  I had a plan.  I did my time in part time jobs that were minimum wage.  Wonder why I am not 300.000 in debt yet have three degrees.  My parents can’t tell you who I worked for back on the east coast, they can’t tell you how much I paid in rent or car insurance or even my phone bills because they did not pay them.  I DID.  I mean seriously I filed taxes every year from the time I was 16 until 2008 because I made enough money to pay my basic expenses, i.e. I had to file taxes or get arrested.  I remember talking to a background union guy I knew who is an actor and telling him that my parents paid $3000 for a car, then when that one died, they bought me a used car for $4000.  When I came out here they spent $14.000 on a car and none of them were new.  I paid for my college education through my own HARD WORK.  Oh wait school work and winning a scholarship is privileged and I was actually lazy. I had to maintain an average of 3.4 to keep my scholarship. I worked in a video store, sold clothes, baby sat, was a lab assistant teaching high school students environmental biology, worked for human resources at a college, made phone calls to raise money for my grad school.  worked for a telemarketing test center, made phone calls and spent months doing database work for an association in the electronic industries.  I did market research of new films.  I organized and publicized news broadcast interviews from the NATIONA PRESS BUILDING.  I did legal temp work in offices where I went to work before the sun came up and left after the sun came down with maybe time to see the sun for 30 minutes at lunch.  (My current health issues may be in part a lack of Vitamin D.)  I got paid I think $25 an hour at that job, while the clients were charges three times that probably.  Lawyers!  Crap! That is how I saved up $10.000 though to help me move to California.

I did not do so much work, then work five years on sets while studying digital media to go back to a being a legal temp.  YOU WANT ME TO CLEAN MY ACT UP?  I don’t have a reason.  I worked so HARD TO COME TO CALIFORNIA to escape offices and greed. I want what I earned BACK.  MY future with actors.  My future working to be an ACTOR because I have no plans to marry a man my father has sold my body too.  Do you know how many actors don’t do theater?  there are successfu actors who never did theater.  I did my time in Theater and I did not spend my own money from 2005 to 2008 training in digital media to go back to a secretary job or work in marketing when I have no love for it. NONE.  they pay check is not enough.  I have no love for life if all I am doing is taking a job, even if it is FUN to some that does not really give me the sense THIS NIGHTMARE IS OVER.  I will not live my life the way my father wants. TO ME CLEANING UP MY ACT is organizing and filing my stuff on my terms. I already do that. I have an office practically in my room.  STOP PLAYING GOD people- FATHER I KNOW YOU ARE STALKING ME AND READING THIS- YOU ARE NOT GOD.  SERIOUSLY I find the man in my life is someone my FATHER WANTS ME WITH I will make that man regret the day he asked me out.  I know no one will DATE ME. I don’t care..  I don’t care about having fans who like WHO I AM.  I cared about doing good acting work and being good at it and getting known at being good at it. I cared about working on sets and being a film maker only to the extent people accepted I am here to be an actor first.  I used to tell a guy I knew in law school Cabot Davis- I am an actor first, and a lawyer second.  That was law school.  that was over ten years ago. I was calling myself an actor in the 90s and I won’t stop.  I am no longer an attorney to, but I still have a juris doctorate. I can’t represent you, but I will use it to my own benefit and how I please.  I AM NOT WORKING FOR YOU as a lawyer- get over it. I HATE IT…..you have robbed me of my youth and my dreams and my HOPE for what- power. greed.  Who wins if I die?

 

ASK MY PSYCHOTIC PARENTs how much I paid for rent in DC when I lived there.  Ask them how much my utility bills were and how much I paid for in food, books, clothes, or for that matter how much I paid to get my hair cut and WHERE THE MONEY CAME FOR ALL THE THINGS THEY DON”T KNOW I HAD TO BUY AND SPEND MONEY ON BECAUSE THEY HAD ZERO ACCESS TO MY ACCOUNTS>  they can’t tell you how many credit cards I had or even how much I paid in taxes because after college I DID MY OWN. 

 

TRUTH my parents know nothing about ENTERTAIMENT and as such should not be guiding or advising me on my future. I am tired of people acting like I don’t have experience when it comes to acting or the INDUSTRY. I am always learning.  But I know more than others want to admit because they can’t get that intelligent people don’t all look perfect.  I know nothing about being a government agent other than my observations of my father.  I frankly don’t want to be around misogynists like him so I think I will pass.  Sorry.

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 Posted by at 7:21 am
Sep 212014
 

I was inspired by an article I read today by one of my favorite comedians.
I’m not that into comedy. I find over the years I preferred Brittish humor or political satire.

My toes was smashed intentionally in 2009 at the next stage theater.  I’ve never considered myself mean or an abuser.  I’m not sure why I was hated like that to this day but for some kind of bigotry or blind cultist activity or maybe because of twisted jealousy though I don’t understand why. I suspect some people may have said things and other assumes.  Wars are started at times out of blind ignorance or dislike.  Perhaps I reminded someone of an ex, sibling, or it was my own fault for being socially awkward and so I was the target of abuse for not being friendly when I felt scared and alone.   Perhaps it was because of someone I said liked me and they knew his girlfriend. I never cheat. So Again wars have been fought for less. Why can’t people just let people feel good things. I think I was a better person thinking someone really liked me then thinking they wished me dead. I think I was a better person caring and letting them just be free then other people thinking I wanted to do something bad if they did not want me. Its in your head. I’ve never hurt anyone. I’ve never cheated. I ve never stolen anything. Call me the B word all you want. Ishoud be allowed to go to the same part of town a guy I’ve seen three times in five years lives in and be safe and have fun without bigotry or hate. Your manipulations of me have cost me my mental health and any possibility I’ll have a future. What have I DONE to deserve nothing to live for. Seriously? I’m not evil. I’m not hot. But I’m a beautiful girl because I’m a lady and won’t do evil things. 50% of America calls themself single. By those statistics I’m normal.

I also suspect that a certain person is not here anymore. He’s left. If I’m right. I’m not going to be attacked anymore on Twitter. The world is dying and I’m being hacked and abused by someone who’d rather hurt me then spend her last day loving what she has that I don’t.

Well with my toes messed up and my feet thin and bony I don’t like showing them off.  These shoes have sat in a box for a year.  I don’t wear them.  After reading this article I’ve decided it’s time they go.  Good buy old friends.  Some of these I’ve had for years. 

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I’ve also decided that one of these needs to go. The red one I’ve used a lot. The white one was a gift. I don’t remember who, but it’s been in my closet not being used. I think its time I put the gift to use.
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Last but not least goodbye buddy owner manual. Not sure I’ll ever have a job I’ll love to get another scooter. I’m tired of old men and women telling me I should not ride one I might get hurt. I’m hurting because you won’t let me live. I need to ride the wind. I don’t need you not respecting me as being capable of not hurting myself. As long as people hold onto.me I’ll never be mentally well.

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I was happy. I’m tired. I get told I’m beautiful but treated like no one wants to see me acting. Well I need to be known as an actor to feel pretty or attractive or successful or likeable. And I’m not talking red carpets or magazine covers or being a celebrity. I was treated like I knew my job when I background for years. I think people from back east helped destroy my career. Because I never fit in there. Im still the same girl who got good grades but I’m not going to be successful because I don’t want to be. I was happy not being known but working on sets. I don’t care about being famous in the legal world or politics and I’m tired of bullies hounding me. Men you don’t make me feel good to be alive. Women you don’t either. The reason I loved Blake Shields is because he talked to me like I was an actor. I did not care if he did not date me. I still heard it in his voice when I told him I had gotten acting work he wasn’t upset with me about that. I may be angry at him. His play “double bind” a term by the way of parental abuse, has left me feeling used. I’m not doing anything to him a stalker would. I’m just trying to find a way to fix the damage those at Grays Anatomy and the background and scientology did. There are ugly women working as actors. I just wanted to make a living doing what I loved. I have nothing to love now. Nothing. I’d rather have something to think about loving then to physically have things to hold to want to own. The soul I have is hurting. No amount of money, job security, or men or women are going to make me feel whole. I’ve been set up to be in this he’ll where there is no future for me to dream about. I don’t want art if I can’t be an actor on sets. I don’t even watch TV or movies anymore. My computer does not have a working DVD I think intentionally. Fuck you Dad, don’t you dare ever talk to me about watching TV. Kids at my school, and by kids I mean 26 year olds curse more than me. My parents had a TV in every room in there house, but I’m no longer allowed to do anything in that field, why did God let me live if there is nothing for me to love about being here anymore? Why? I’m sorry but I don’t want your American dream. I don’t want to fight to save the planet if I can’t be an actor. And if you don’t want me in public and to disappear then I should just end my life. My saying that is not going to bring anyone to rescue me. For some reason people are scared I’d hurt someone else. How wrong you would be. I mean the smart cops told me because I want to kill myself I can’t go to union events. I’m going to want to hurt myself As long as I can’t.

 Posted by at 8:06 pm