diary

Sep 092016
 

For those of you who do not know I have been viciously attacked on twitter over and over. No one with the government will help me. My site is being screwed with so no one sees the proof about my accident or the lies. I now get filled with rage. I bite on books and break pens with my teeth. I cry and scream openly . I want the hell to end. I want the animals that I thought were human to all just go away. I want this person attacking me to get a disease and for their children and family to completely be wiped from the planet. I want someone to tell me who they are so I can shave their head and ram my knee between their legs so they feel the mental pain I feel when ever they remind me of JEREMY GILBREATHE and what he did to me. I want to beat the crap out of the men in suits stalking me and the yogis who want to remind me I can not be an actor because Blake Shields is a yogi and MALE but I am a woman and I really just want to date a yogi not be an actor.

I want to hurt my father for every time I hear a whisper of someone talking about me living off my father from some third party, probably LEE RYDER or Tony Blair or Michael Lovern. All of whom worked BACKGROUND with me. My mother I can still hear her voice telling me after I told her I was tripped on a set that now I have to give up what I love. Why? Because my mother was jealous I was off in the world doing what I wanted and not trapped with a husband and imprisoned in a kitchen as the HELP.

I never hurt anyone but I FEEL THE RAGE when i get a jury duty notice and think about all the lawyers out there who hate me because I refused to practice even though I am so mentally damaged now the thought of working with lawyers or around them makes me want to smash things.

I think about my high school and the bastard on line attacking me over and over and saying I am just a librarian and I want to make them wear glasses and pocket protectors and force them to wear braces. I want this person to know what it feels to be ashamed of being NOT COOL. I want the world to know who they are so they can be made fun of and trolled and bullied and know what it feels to cause me so much pain. I want them to be excluded from the VIP parties they claim to be going to and to be seen as the MONSTER they really are. What is disturbing to me is they could be an actor I even watch. they could be an actor I think is cool. but they are not. they are just another bully in wool and i want it to itch them so bad they are forced to rip their own skin off to reveal who they truly are.

In the end the truth is I will never do any of the above. I will probably just quietly end my own life one day because the humiliation of not being an equal with my union and knowing I have been labelled not good enough, either by HBO because I dated JORDAN MARKS or SAG AFTRA because I spoke out about the merger and was a liberal or DISNEY because I told COURTNEY LOVELL I liked BLAKE SHIELDS and was being BULLIED BY Marquesa Moreland. Or by the group of FRIENDS protecting JEREMEMY GILBREATHE who I will to my dying breath hate for molesting me and when I begged him to leave me alone told people I would be fired. Heaven forbid I be seen as cool. I am supposed to be a MONSTER. I would never be caste as the nice girl or the one who gets the guy. I was cast to be made to look pathetic so no one would think I would be with a cool guy.

 Posted by at 3:51 am
Jul 012016
 

I have finally realized the core of my nightmare.  Narcissism.  I want to write something more detailed later.  Basically I am stuck in some kind of twisted co dependent relationship with an egg.  The kind that appear on twitter when an account has no picture. 

Yes. I am still being twitter stalked.  See the category called twitter attacks.  I have had so many recently I have just screen shot them and digitally filed them away.  This person is obsessed or being paid to abuse me.  I wonder what would happen if they got what they wanted.  I kill myself and i am no longer on Twitter.  They claim they are tired of my whining about being on sets.  Then why read my twitter or subscribe to my emails?  Guilt perhaps?  I have no idea who this person or people are?  They obviously knew me at some point.  They know information about the union and events.  They seem to need my destruction as if by hurting me they gain something.  They can not let me be successful or be happy or they lack something.  Very much the action of the abusive husband.  Isolate and control. 

For me I am home.  There is no place to ship me off too.  I was never close to my family and now older Im the lone liberal wolf.  It scares me how one can be ostracized from Hope.  My family and home are here in Los Angeles.  I want to live my life and practice my spiritual path without the high school jealous games of little girls and zionists.   I can not make someone love me and I will not be forced to love.  Im also incredibly perceptive.  Stop assuming Im doing anything to get to someone or stalk them.  My life is about being an artist. There is no me being the person you want me to be. As an artist I have a need for people to know I exist, to hear my message and voice.  I have a need to delve into my inner core and express what I see and feel there.  I have had people contact me and ask me why i put my personal stuff online.  Because I need to expose my inner demons perhaps, but it also has to do with the nature of creation.  Irony is my stalker keeps screaming at me to create yet seems clueless to the fact by cutting me off from other creators they are coating me the capacity to create. I do nt watch B horror films.  I watch syfy and thrillers and dramedies and the CW.  I watch Doyle and Houdini and Arrow.  I watch Gotham but violent. 

I probably know more than you think and it is so annoying and disrespectful when you play games over boys instead of perceiving i think for my own.  My troll says they are female.  They lack compassion and seem determined to destroy not nurture me or anyone. 

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2016 Laura Ann Tull
 Posted by at 6:11 pm
Feb 272016
 

In all honesty I am always kind of looking at Casting on some level. I have my email searches set up to send me emails about anything science fiction and acting. Seriously, I do. It is interesting what I get. Today I found out that they are making a movie about “The Most Hated Woman in America,” and it makes me wonder at whose perspective and tone with the film be made? Impartial, or biased, and if biased on whose side? I personally hope that is it impartial and favors the Constitution rather than make the lead character appear to be “the most hated woman in America.” She did lose her family members to criminals. I do think it is cool they are making a movie of the African American women who helped with the Moon Landing. http://www.backstage.com/news/4-pieces-must-know-casting-news-57487/

And this is interesting CENTRAL CASTING has been the lead in extras casting since 1931. And i find it ironic that I am being attacked for doing work that has been WORK since the 1930s. Seriously, people have been paid as extras that long and yet I feel as if I committed a crime. IT IS MY LIFE right. by the time I am old enough for retirement my parents will be dead, and I will hate them for not being allowed to live the life I wanted up to that time. And I will also not live to see my retirement because who would want to if all you feel is disgust and no desire to work for anything. I mean I can not stand talking about law and criminals and things my father loves. I really can not. I need to get work in the arts and entertainment. I AM NOT GOING TO WORK OUT OF THOSE PROFESSIONS just because people think I AM NOT ALLOWED BECAUSE I AM NOT RELATED TO ACTORS and have to do what my father wants with my life. SLAVERY IS OVER. http://www.kcet.org/shows/lost-la/how-central-casting-found-racial-types-for-classical-hollywood-films

Something to see in New York. Wow. http://www.newyorker.com/culture/richard-brody/the-political-science-fiction-of-born-in-flames

And I really want to see this Science Fiction Film. http://www.hitfix.com/motion-captured/the-new-trailer-for-this-michael-shannon-science-fiction-film-feels-special-indeed

Acting is sometimes about watching. I love science fiction. I love Doctor Who. I love Sherlock Holmes. To be an actor you need to read. You need to love WORDS. But to work in film and TV you got to like to watch it too. why I do not do comedy? I do not watch comedy. Why would I want to work on projects as an ACTOR I would not want to watch. I think it is nuts for people from BACK EAST or here to make me do comedy or try to push me in that direction. I have friends who are comedians and one of them NURTURES my craft but NEVER makes me feel like I have to be anything but me. And she knows I prefer DRAMA and classical books. It does not make me stuck up anymore than someone who does not read books but likes fashion. Perhaps we are all opinionated and egotistical. Is it not natural to want to go to a film you want to see and not one you do not.

I digress and I am tired. For someone without a job I seem to work allot. trying to keep healthy and stay well and try to find a solution to the fact I have been cut off from the people I knew and being forced to be around people I have hated since I was 18 is not a good situation to be in. I go out when I can with the people I like and respect simply because the only way I will FIND WORK is to be out with people I LIKE. What happened to finding the things you love to do to find friends. I feel as if the objective is to find people who will give you money for what ever you can do, even if you feel miserable doing it. I liked my life better when I was a professional extra and happy and working to learn the biz of film making because I liked editing and photo shop enough that I would have fought for jobs using those skills, as long as I could keep the dream to also have acting “work” and build a solid acting career was still an option. Without that I do not want to even be in the presence of people for long. I just want to be alone.

 Posted by at 5:49 am
Feb 052016
 

I have not sent out a mail chimp since July of last year. Many things have happened since that time. I am still into acting. I always will be. I have a Theater Degree and a Masters in PERFORMING ARTS Management. I am discovering that we live in a world now where people think they have the right to tell others how to live and what to be. As a person who wants to work in the arts and entertainment it is not EGO for me to send out email to market myself. Tons of people do it as part of the JOB and it takes a great deal of pre-work to earn a pay check. I am working to let the world know I exist because for me to get hired to do what i love, it is part of the process. We have a Constitution and it says I have the right to speech, that includes the written word.

I sent out post cards to try to get an agent. I received one request to have a tape audition so far. HOWEVER, they sent me a strange file that seems to have corrupted my phone and when I told them I could not open the zipped file monologues they sent me, they sent me a response with one of the monologues telling me that since I lost a day due to the computer issues I would only be able to do one. They did not consider asking me if I could, but assumed I was incapable. IRONY one of the lines in the monologue they sent was “Remembering that first impressions are not always correct.” I belong to a place in Hollywood that allows for self taping. I could have taped my audition at 3 pm the day it was due and sent it to the agency by 8 pm that night, they day after they sent me the fixed monologue. I had 24 hours to memorize 2 monologues, seriously if an actor can not memorize 2 short monologues in 24 hours no agency should hire them. I need about 3 days to schedule an appointment but I can self tape auditions. I highly recommend Hollywood Casting and Film and also CATZ in Hollywood. Both are also good places to look for auditions. I get about 3-4 auditions at Hollywood a month. I self taped the monologue on my own. https://youtu.be/t2ALxNVRXL0

I am sorry but with my skill sets and my training and my expertise being in ENTERTAINMENT and the ARTS I am where I belong. I have been repeatedly attacked on line and I know I am not the only person. This misinterpretation of the first amendment that allows for people to think they have the right to hide who they are and spread HATE needs to stop. As an ACTOR, and that is what I am, my artistic and professional need is to have feelings and express them. Oscar Wilde said it best:
“From the point of view of feeling, the actor’s craft is the type.”

My UNION is still subjecting me to abuse and I do not trust them. I sent their New Media department an email about a project that someone I knew wanted me to do for an education app he was creating. They wanted me to call the COMMERCIAL Department. Well I have decided that from now I am not calling the UNION unless I can record my half the call. I legally cannot them, but I can record what I say so they cannot distort the facts and make it look like I am abusive in any way toward them.

I asked to attend the SAG VIEWING PARTY . The union legal department sent me a letter telling me that I cannot attend or enter the building, which means I cannot use ACTORS FUND, or the SAG FOUNDATION. Legally they have told me I am a member of the UNION. I can work UNION. I AM NOT FICORE AND I VOTED IN THE SAG AWARDS. In fact I voted for SPOTLIGHT. The film made me cry. THIS IS WRONG. This is abuse. I do not know even who does not want me there. GRANTED I am not fond of Ned Vaughn. I was asked out by DAVID H LAWRENCE. He bothers me because I do not want him. I like tall pasty white boys who are into the arts and like acting. Guys who look like basketball/ yogi types. I am vegan. And I HAVE NEVER CHEATED WITH A GUY IN MY LIFE INTENTIONALLY. In other words the guy would have to lie to date me if he was taken. I am into the acting to be a professional at it. EVERY YEAR I get invited to JUDY KAIN’s Christmas party. Yet the UNION acts like I am offensive, and my very presence will make people sick because I am so old and ugly, at least that is what my twitter stalker keeps saying. It is affecting my ability to cope and my ability to want to succeed. I want nothing to do with film if I can not be an actor. I want nothing to do with men and dating if I can not be an actor. I would hate any man who would want to date me, force me to have sex with him to make me his wife or girlfriend and make me give up my self esteem and my sense of achievement. I have been put in a position that no matter how much MONEY I make or how much success I have I will feel VIOLATED and unsuccessful.

They are denying me access to the ACTORS FUND and SAG FOUNDATION both of which are in the SAG AFTRA BUILDLING. This is the SAG FOUNDATION. They provide one free casting workshop every 90 days. Most casting workshops in Hollywood cost anywhere from $35- 75 a year. So most SAG members who pay their dues get the value of getting to network with up to 4-8 casting agents a year FREE. I DO NOT. Look at the PHOTOS. Do I look uglier than the members working in those casting workshops. http://sagaftra.foundation/performers-programs/casting-access/

This is the ACTORS FUND. They are looking for VOLUNTEERS to do data entry. I used to make a living in Graduate school doing nothing but typing entries. AT A CERTAIN point you want to grow and that is why I got a MASTERS IN PERFORMING ARTS. MY PARENTS ARE LIARS and they were not financially in charge of my life. THE ONLY WAY I WOULD HAVE A RELATIONSHIP with them or anyone they know is if I was financially dependent. I want to be back on track to be working on sets, not in an office, and I want NOTHING TO DO WITH MY THE GOVERNMENT, LAW, OR THE LEGAL COMMUNITY AS EMPLOYMENT. PERIOD. I will not go to church on SUNDAY. I HAD A LIFE but with people who did not go to church and respected the arts. I CAN NOT BE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE WHO DO NOT BELIEVE IN ME AS AN ACTOR AND WANT TO SEE ME HAPPY. without acting, I hate the fact I CHOSE TO LIVE.

I did not attack LUKE MABLY and in fact I knew a crew person who told me he was in a relationship. In other words while his fan was on my face book page, i was focused on promoting my film “CHEMICAL 13” and also “A.B.S” which happens to be a vampire film. In fact when I marketed the films on Face book I targeted fans of VAMPIRE projects like the GATES and fans of the show.

I think that there is someone with the UNION who is completely psychotic as I have been the one attacked. I was sexually assaulted. I was tripped on a set. I have emails saying I attack actors. MY verbally telling someone I think they are a jerk is not an attack. It is my opinion of the person and they should be adult enough to explain their actions to me, not accuse me of being a person who should not be allowed in the SAG AFTRA building simply because they know I think their actions toward me were wrong.

This has also affected relationships with people at my School. First one girl was nice to me in a film class, then she was not and her friend acted like she was there to protect her. The girl in question was GAY. I am not a scientologist. Scientologist are rumored to want to make gay people straight. I am not going to go GAY and want people to accept that my desire to stay single has to do with stress and health and me not being interested in your typical American jock. As it turns out the girl works for DISNEY. I did not say anything to her, she just suddenly started acting like I was her enemy. i do not hate these girls, and on a positive note I got an A in the class and a B in the film lab. ALL OF MY EDUCATION IS IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. I have no interested in being a criminal lawyer, or working in politics or government. I studied entertainment law and communications law. I NEVER had the drive to be in a court room period. You cannot make someone have PASSION For things they just do not have passion for. And law was never my true passion.

My phone was also tampered with. Not only did it stop functioning but it could not be reset. I had to get a new phone, while I could not use my twitter because it was set to only be accessible by phone, I was once again attacked on line. THEREFORE, just in case someone thought I was somehow attacking myself, not true.
I think the entire situation is INSANE. I should be allowed to go to classes at AFI that are $35 a year, not be subjected to abuse because my old teacher who is a conservative Texan teaches there. I HAVE NEVER BEEN A REPBULICAN. I auditioned for a school at the ACTORS STUDIO and was accepted but they charge $50 a class. I HAVE STUDENT DEBT. And no incentive to want to strive to pay that off now, because I worked hard for my SAG AFTRA card and am being denied those rights and slandered without a trial. NO DUE PROCESS and frankly I would tell any employer in the legal profession that if I get an audition my audition comes first and if they do not let me pursue acting as well as work for them I will hate them and their clients. I did not know going to law school meant that I would lost my rights under the CONSITUTION and that I would not have the right to say- NO. THIS IS MAKING ME miserable and I want to be back on sets and working and doing a job I enjoy and have fun doing. I am not trained to work in traditional LAW. I know more about the entertainment industry and working on sets and the ACTING profession than I do the legal system. I am not interested in trying to fight to be successful as a lawyer.
I did not know that SAG AFTRA and its leadership would be allowed to ostracize me from its members and try to force me to do what my father wants with my life. I AM NOT A LITTLE GIRL and I am sick of being in a position where MEN CAN ABUSE ME. Where I can be abused on line. I will not go away. I will not disappear.

 Posted by at 5:34 am
Jan 062016
 

The corruption in our system is terrifying to me.  How easy it is for someone innocent to be branded a Boo Radley.  I still can see this kid who showed up on Eli Stone claiming to be from Maryland who i had never seen before commenting that people back in Baltimore were not anti social […]

 Posted by at 10:43 am