writing

Sep 092016
 

For those of you who do not know I have been viciously attacked on twitter over and over. No one with the government will help me. My site is being screwed with so no one sees the proof about my accident or the lies. I now get filled with rage. I bite on books and break pens with my teeth. I cry and scream openly . I want the hell to end. I want the animals that I thought were human to all just go away. I want this person attacking me to get a disease and for their children and family to completely be wiped from the planet. I want someone to tell me who they are so I can shave their head and ram my knee between their legs so they feel the mental pain I feel when ever they remind me of JEREMY GILBREATHE and what he did to me. I want to beat the crap out of the men in suits stalking me and the yogis who want to remind me I can not be an actor because Blake Shields is a yogi and MALE but I am a woman and I really just want to date a yogi not be an actor.

I want to hurt my father for every time I hear a whisper of someone talking about me living off my father from some third party, probably LEE RYDER or Tony Blair or Michael Lovern. All of whom worked BACKGROUND with me. My mother I can still hear her voice telling me after I told her I was tripped on a set that now I have to give up what I love. Why? Because my mother was jealous I was off in the world doing what I wanted and not trapped with a husband and imprisoned in a kitchen as the HELP.

I never hurt anyone but I FEEL THE RAGE when i get a jury duty notice and think about all the lawyers out there who hate me because I refused to practice even though I am so mentally damaged now the thought of working with lawyers or around them makes me want to smash things.

I think about my high school and the bastard on line attacking me over and over and saying I am just a librarian and I want to make them wear glasses and pocket protectors and force them to wear braces. I want this person to know what it feels to be ashamed of being NOT COOL. I want the world to know who they are so they can be made fun of and trolled and bullied and know what it feels to cause me so much pain. I want them to be excluded from the VIP parties they claim to be going to and to be seen as the MONSTER they really are. What is disturbing to me is they could be an actor I even watch. they could be an actor I think is cool. but they are not. they are just another bully in wool and i want it to itch them so bad they are forced to rip their own skin off to reveal who they truly are.

In the end the truth is I will never do any of the above. I will probably just quietly end my own life one day because the humiliation of not being an equal with my union and knowing I have been labelled not good enough, either by HBO because I dated JORDAN MARKS or SAG AFTRA because I spoke out about the merger and was a liberal or DISNEY because I told COURTNEY LOVELL I liked BLAKE SHIELDS and was being BULLIED BY Marquesa Moreland. Or by the group of FRIENDS protecting JEREMEMY GILBREATHE who I will to my dying breath hate for molesting me and when I begged him to leave me alone told people I would be fired. Heaven forbid I be seen as cool. I am supposed to be a MONSTER. I would never be caste as the nice girl or the one who gets the guy. I was cast to be made to look pathetic so no one would think I would be with a cool guy.

 Posted by at 3:51 am
Aug 272016
 

This is the first post of a series, not sure how many. I need to read more. I do. The stress of my life has stopped me. It is not healthy to be in the mind set that if it is not worth money, do not do it. Actually I do not think I want to be stuck in a job where my goal is to just read. I crave action. I crave experience. My mind has been so bruised by attacks on social media and in life I can not enjoy the things that in the past helped me cope and deal.

So I now turn to reading what I have to help me turn this around
I saw a meditation teacher named Geoffrey DeGraff talk in my neighborhood about 2 years ago. I liked his discussion. It was on western romanticism and buddhism. Degraff also known as Thanissaro Bhikkhu is a Master of Forest Buddhism. I became attracted to the idea of finding inner peace in the woods. I had met a guy in a Thai chi class who had spent time in a forest monestery. However this is something else I stopped doing. Hiking. Im finally getting my legs back into it. I am breakable. I also know that being breakable is a beautiful thing. But it is also a target for others to attempt to destroy. To break me is sport.

“Gifts he Left Behind” was originally written in Thai. It is what is left of the teachings of a Master known as Luang Pu or “Venerable Grandfather.” The 116 page books contain a collection of one page stories of lessons from this Master. Reading it makes me aware of my flaws but also that the choice Ive made is right. I may not take the path of a nun/ monk, but I am building a foundation I need to deal with the world around me.

I call myself Zen or Cheng but I like the writing of DeGraff. He apparently has translated the canon from pali to English. I have much of his work as digital but the book “gifts he left behind” I have as an actual book. I want to give it away. I am cleaning house. I am writing this though to remember key passages.

The Four Noble Truths

“The mind sent outside is the origination of suffering.

The result of the mind sent outside is suffering.

The mind seeing the mind is the path.

The result of the mind seeing the mind is the cessation of suffering.”

The four truths are achieved by an eight fold path not really detailed in this book. There are also the five precepts.

Much of this little book is a dicussion of dealing with suffering and the mind. “When you understand your own mind, that, in and of itself, will make you understand everything else.”

I especially like this interesting view on silence. “But when you say you stopped speaking, that simply can’t be. … everyone’s speaking all day and all night long. And especially those who vow not to speak: They talk more than anyone else, simply that they don’t make a sound that others can hear.” Apparently only noble ones can reach stop speaking. Not sure I agree with that.

I turned to buddhism to heal my mind from abuse. But I have learned that I agree with the first buddhas view on classicism. I do not like the chaste system of India or our growing monetary based classicism in America.
The book a few pages later actually talks about different views on things. Luang Pow stated, “People, as long as they’re run-of-the-mill, have their pride and their opinions. As long as they have Pride, it’s hard for them to see in line with one another. When their views aren’t in line with one another, it causes them to keep quarreling and disputing.” A view on any political conversation in the United States. Ok maybe not all.
This Masters response is rather inspiring. “Monks, what ever the wise people of the world say exist, I too say exists. And whatever the wise people of the world say doesn’t exist, I too say that it doesn’t exist. I don’t quarrel with the world; the world quarrels with me.”

I’ll end this blog on a response to their being different ways to do meditation.
“When you start practicing meditation, you can begin with any method at all, because they all lead to the same result. The reason their are so many methods is because people have different tendencies. This is why there have to be different images to focus on or words to repeat — such as ‘buddho’ or ‘arahang’– as means of giving the mind a point around which to gather and settle down as the first step. When the mind has gathered and is still, the meditation word will fall away on its own, and that’s where every method falls into the same track, with the same flavor. In other words, it has discernment as its surpassing state and release as its essence.”
Having practiced with various people I find the above quote true. I do not use any words spoken aloud. I think phrases or numbers or focus on my breathe or just let all of it go.
I kind of disagree with a passage a few pages later. P. 44
“When you go to a lot of centers and study with a lot of teachers, your practice won’t get results, for when you go to a lot of centers, it’s as if you go back to the beginning over and over again. You don’t gain any sure principles in your practice. Sometimes you get uncertain and bewildered. Your mind isn’t solid. Your practice degenerates and doesn’t progress.”

I think I needed to explore to find paths to take right for me. Im also not one to follow one way. I need to explore and find my own answers. I like to read and learn on my own and learn from others. Thus far I have discovered certain forms of Buddhism do not suit me. I am not hindu. But I do feel Buddhism is my religion and legally so.

 Posted by at 4:27 pm
Jul 012016
 

I have finally realized the core of my nightmare.  Narcissism.  I want to write something more detailed later.  Basically I am stuck in some kind of twisted co dependent relationship with an egg.  The kind that appear on twitter when an account has no picture. 

Yes. I am still being twitter stalked.  See the category called twitter attacks.  I have had so many recently I have just screen shot them and digitally filed them away.  This person is obsessed or being paid to abuse me.  I wonder what would happen if they got what they wanted.  I kill myself and i am no longer on Twitter.  They claim they are tired of my whining about being on sets.  Then why read my twitter or subscribe to my emails?  Guilt perhaps?  I have no idea who this person or people are?  They obviously knew me at some point.  They know information about the union and events.  They seem to need my destruction as if by hurting me they gain something.  They can not let me be successful or be happy or they lack something.  Very much the action of the abusive husband.  Isolate and control. 

For me I am home.  There is no place to ship me off too.  I was never close to my family and now older Im the lone liberal wolf.  It scares me how one can be ostracized from Hope.  My family and home are here in Los Angeles.  I want to live my life and practice my spiritual path without the high school jealous games of little girls and zionists.   I can not make someone love me and I will not be forced to love.  Im also incredibly perceptive.  Stop assuming Im doing anything to get to someone or stalk them.  My life is about being an artist. There is no me being the person you want me to be. As an artist I have a need for people to know I exist, to hear my message and voice.  I have a need to delve into my inner core and express what I see and feel there.  I have had people contact me and ask me why i put my personal stuff online.  Because I need to expose my inner demons perhaps, but it also has to do with the nature of creation.  Irony is my stalker keeps screaming at me to create yet seems clueless to the fact by cutting me off from other creators they are coating me the capacity to create. I do nt watch B horror films.  I watch syfy and thrillers and dramedies and the CW.  I watch Doyle and Houdini and Arrow.  I watch Gotham but violent. 

I probably know more than you think and it is so annoying and disrespectful when you play games over boys instead of perceiving i think for my own.  My troll says they are female.  They lack compassion and seem determined to destroy not nurture me or anyone. 

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 Posted by at 6:11 pm
Feb 272016
 

In all honesty I am always kind of looking at Casting on some level. I have my email searches set up to send me emails about anything science fiction and acting. Seriously, I do. It is interesting what I get. Today I found out that they are making a movie about “The Most Hated Woman in America,” and it makes me wonder at whose perspective and tone with the film be made? Impartial, or biased, and if biased on whose side? I personally hope that is it impartial and favors the Constitution rather than make the lead character appear to be “the most hated woman in America.” She did lose her family members to criminals. I do think it is cool they are making a movie of the African American women who helped with the Moon Landing. http://www.backstage.com/news/4-pieces-must-know-casting-news-57487/

And this is interesting CENTRAL CASTING has been the lead in extras casting since 1931. And i find it ironic that I am being attacked for doing work that has been WORK since the 1930s. Seriously, people have been paid as extras that long and yet I feel as if I committed a crime. IT IS MY LIFE right. by the time I am old enough for retirement my parents will be dead, and I will hate them for not being allowed to live the life I wanted up to that time. And I will also not live to see my retirement because who would want to if all you feel is disgust and no desire to work for anything. I mean I can not stand talking about law and criminals and things my father loves. I really can not. I need to get work in the arts and entertainment. I AM NOT GOING TO WORK OUT OF THOSE PROFESSIONS just because people think I AM NOT ALLOWED BECAUSE I AM NOT RELATED TO ACTORS and have to do what my father wants with my life. SLAVERY IS OVER. http://www.kcet.org/shows/lost-la/how-central-casting-found-racial-types-for-classical-hollywood-films

Something to see in New York. Wow. http://www.newyorker.com/culture/richard-brody/the-political-science-fiction-of-born-in-flames

And I really want to see this Science Fiction Film. http://www.hitfix.com/motion-captured/the-new-trailer-for-this-michael-shannon-science-fiction-film-feels-special-indeed

Acting is sometimes about watching. I love science fiction. I love Doctor Who. I love Sherlock Holmes. To be an actor you need to read. You need to love WORDS. But to work in film and TV you got to like to watch it too. why I do not do comedy? I do not watch comedy. Why would I want to work on projects as an ACTOR I would not want to watch. I think it is nuts for people from BACK EAST or here to make me do comedy or try to push me in that direction. I have friends who are comedians and one of them NURTURES my craft but NEVER makes me feel like I have to be anything but me. And she knows I prefer DRAMA and classical books. It does not make me stuck up anymore than someone who does not read books but likes fashion. Perhaps we are all opinionated and egotistical. Is it not natural to want to go to a film you want to see and not one you do not.

I digress and I am tired. For someone without a job I seem to work allot. trying to keep healthy and stay well and try to find a solution to the fact I have been cut off from the people I knew and being forced to be around people I have hated since I was 18 is not a good situation to be in. I go out when I can with the people I like and respect simply because the only way I will FIND WORK is to be out with people I LIKE. What happened to finding the things you love to do to find friends. I feel as if the objective is to find people who will give you money for what ever you can do, even if you feel miserable doing it. I liked my life better when I was a professional extra and happy and working to learn the biz of film making because I liked editing and photo shop enough that I would have fought for jobs using those skills, as long as I could keep the dream to also have acting “work” and build a solid acting career was still an option. Without that I do not want to even be in the presence of people for long. I just want to be alone.

 Posted by at 5:49 am
Feb 052016
 

I have not sent out a mail chimp since July of last year. Many things have happened since that time. I am still into acting. I always will be. I have a Theater Degree and a Masters in PERFORMING ARTS Management. I am discovering that we live in a world now where people think they […]

 Posted by at 5:34 am